Childhood precursors of psychopathy

Psychopathic tendencies can sometimes be recognized in childhood or early adolescence. If recognized, a diagnosis of Conduct Disorder, or possibly the related Oppositional Defiant Disorder, may be given. However, while these childhood signs have been found in a significantly higher proportion of psychopaths than in the general population, it must be stressed that not all the subjects of such childhood diagnoses turn out to be psychopaths as adults, or even disordered at all. Therefore, psychopathy is not normally diagnosed in children or adolescents, and some jurisdictions explicitly forbid diagnosing minors with psychopathy and similar personality disorders. This is because such a diagnosis “fails to capture the emotional, cognitive, and interpersonality traits — egocentricity and lack of remorse, empathy, or guilt – that are so important in the diagnosis of psychopathy.”

Children showing strong psychopathic precursors often appear immune to punishment; nothing seems to modify their undesirable behavior. Consequently parents usually give up, and the behavior worsens.

The following childhood indicators are to be seen not as to the type of behavior, but as to its relentless and unvarying occurrence. Not all must be present concurrently, but at least a number of them need to be present over a period of years. These indicators are sufficient – but not necessary – indicators of possible psychopathy.

• An extended period of bedwetting past the preschool years, not due to any identified medical problem.
• Precocious sadism, often expressed as cruelty to animals.
• Pathological firesetting, lacking in obvious homicidal intent. Not to be confused with playing with matches, which is not uncommon for preschoolers. This is the deliberate setting of destructive fires with utter disregard for the property and lives of others.
• Lying, often without discernible objectives, extending beyond a child’s normal impulse not to be punished. These lies are so extensive it is often impossible to know lies from truth.
• Theft and truancy.
• Aggression towards peers and relatives. The aggression can include physical and verbal abuse, getting others into trouble, or a campaign of psychological torment.

The three indicators — bedwetting, cruelty to animals and firestarting, known as the Macdonald triad — were first described by J.M. MacDonald as “red flag” indicators of psychopathy and future episodic aggressive behavior.However, subsequent research has found that bedwetting is not a significant factor.The question of whether young children with early indicators of psychopathy respond poorly to intervention, compared to conduct-disordered children without these traits, has only recently been examined in controlled clinical research. The empirical findings from this research have been consistent with broader anecdotal evidence, pointing to poor treatment outcomes.Many of the above characteristics can be paralleled in bullying at school and elsewhere.

In his 1941 book, Mask of Sanity, Hervey M. Cleckley introduced 16 behavioral characteristics of a psychopath:

1. Superficial charm and good “intelligence”*
2. Absence of delusions and other signs of irrational thinking*
3. Absence of nervousness or psychoneurotic manifestations*
4. Unreliability
5. Untruthfulness and insincerity
6. Lack of remorse and shame
7. Inadequately motivated antisocial behavior
8. Poor judgment and failure to learn by experience
9. Pathologic egocentricity and incapacity for love
10. General poverty in major affective reactions
11. Specific loss of insight
12. Unresponsiveness in general interpersonal relations
13. Fantastic and uninviting behavior with drink and sometimes without
14. Suicide threats rarely carried out*
15. Sex life impersonal, trivial, and poorly integrated
16. Failure to follow any life plan.

*These characteristics have since been depreciated.

Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychopathy

 

Psychopathic Partner

Psychopathy (/saɪˈkɒpəθi/^[1][2]) is a mental disorder characterized primarily by a lack of empathy and remorse, shallow emotions, egocentricity, and deceptiveness. Psychopaths are highly prone to antisocial behavior and abusive treatment of others, and are very disproportionately responsible for violent crime. Though lacking empathy and emotional depth, they often manage to pass themselves off as normal people by feigning emotions and lying about their pasts.

 

Definisi ini saya peroleh dari wikipedia, karena saya merasa perlu untuk memastikan gejala-gejala yang saya temui itu akan pas dengan diagnosis apa.

Ini adalah kisah dari seorang klien saya newly-wed-couple, si istri yang mengeluhkan “merasa tersakiti” oleh suaminya. Saya identifikasi lagi keluhan si istri tersebut…muncullah beberapa fakta yang menurut saya dapat saya masukkan dalam kategori abusive behavior, meskipun tak nampak secara harfiah akibat dari abusive behavior tersebut.

Memang lah sulit… bagaimana kita hendak membuktikan kekerasan psikologis seperti: berbohong, memanipulasi aktivitas (melarang pergi ke luar rumah tapi tidak secara langsung mengemukakan alasan), menggelapkan uang, berselingkuh, memojokkan istri sehingga justru istri yang kemudian merasa bersalah…

hmmm…

Saya perlu mengecek lagi bagaimana pola hubungan mereka selama ini, karena jangan-jangan si istri juga “menikmati” disakiti oleh si suami yaa…tanpa ia sadari dapat erjadi seperti itu lho..

Logikanya begini:

Ketika kita menghadapi masalah, kita akan merasa tangguh ketika berhasil melewati masa-masa berat itu dan berhasil menyelesaikan masalah. Pada sebagian orang, ia merasa “kecanduan” untuk mampu tampil sebagai pribadi yang tangguh.

 

Pernah baca novel Clara Ng yang berjudul Tea for Two? Hmmm cerita nya mirip seperti itu. Teman-teman yang berminat untuk mengetahui isi novel ini silakan bergabung di goodreads.com.

Untuk si suami… Nggak tahu deh, musti ngomong apa… kalau ngomongin teori sih gampang, tapi menghadapi fakta sebenarnya di lapangan itu yang susah. Tentu yang namanya gangguan psikologis slalu memiliki tingkatan ringan (mild), sedang (moderate), dan parah (severe)… tapi bagi orang awam, pasti tidak mudah untuk mendeteksinya kan?

Sekarang, nama lain dari gangguan psikopat adalah gangguan kepribadian antisosial. Judulnya sih antisosial, tapi biasanya penderita gangguan ini mudah sekali beradaptai dan berkamuflase di lingkungan pergaulan sosialnya. Ia akan terlihat sangat mempesona dan begitu mudah dicintai (lovable).

Seram???

Begitulah…

Memang benar kata sebagian orang yang skeptis terhadap perkawinan, bahwa menikah itu sama seperti membeli kucing dalam karung. Terkadangkita tidak tahu pribadi seperti apa pasangan yang kita nikahi itu sesungguhnya…semua terkuak ketika sumpah sehidup semati itu telah diikrarkan.

Lantas bagaimana?

Hmmm…menikah itu butuh dua orang kan ya? It takes two to start the tango, kata orang barat bilang. Jadi, kalau terjadi apa-apa di dalam perkawinan, ya dua orang yang terlibat di dalamnya harus ikut berperan.

Peran seperti apa?

Masing-masing diri pasangan lah yang mengerti jawababnnya. Tapi mungkin pertanyaan-pertanyaan seperti ini dapat menjadi trigger refleksi diri:

Bayangkan bila esok pagi kau bangun dari tidur, dan menemui bahwa masalahmu terlesesaikan dengan ajaibnya. Akan seperti apa hidupmu saat itu?

****

Nah, apa yang dapat kau lakukan sekarang?

Practicing Forgiveness

“Forgiveness is about your inner peace, not the other person. Forgiving eases you from negative baggage.” 

Forgiving someone is one of the best things you can do. It frees you up to spend your valuable time, energy, and other resources are producing fantastic new relationships, creating more happiness, and reaching your goals.

Picture a guy dragging his leg as he’s walking because his leg is attached to an iron ball and chain.

This is what happens to us psychologically when we don’t forgive and when we drag along grudges with us. Have you ever held a grudge? Boy, I know I have. I used to be a world champion grudge holder. I might’ve even made the “Hall of Shame For Holding Grudges”. And it was the biggest burden to drag along with me on this journey of life.

So what happens when you cut the chains, free yourself of grudges, and practice forgiveness?
Well, instead of trudging along the highway of life with all these voluntary burdens that we’re carrying, we’re sprinting down the road of life with more love, laughter, and joy in our lives. Does this sound like a plan you’d like to sign up for?  Well then, do it!

Here’s how to practice forgiveness.
It’s not rocket science. Make a list of people who’ve wronged you. Chances are, if you’re around someone long enough, you’ll give them ample opportunity to transgress against you. To do wrong against you. Well, that includes probably almost everybody of importance in your life. Right?

Take your list of all these people and forgive them. Forgive your parents. They raised you the best they could for what they know. Forgive your siblings. Forgive your spouse. Forgive your kids. Forgive your boss. Forgive your co-workers. Forgive yourself. Are you catching the pattern here?

Forgive everybody!

Here’s the neat thing. If someone has really done a “doozy” on you and done something to you which you believe is “unforgivable”, let me share with you a secret that changes everything.

Forgive them…for yourself.

Let me repeat that because I really want you to get it.

Forgive them…for yourself.

Yes my dear, you can forgive someone else for selfish purposes! What you’re doing when you’re forgiving them is that you’re saying that you’re no longer willing to spend your valuable time, energy and resources thinking about them and dwelling on them and what they did against you.

Having done that, you now have plenty of more time, energy, and personal resources to devote to achieving your goals, creating more success, and forming positive, lasting relationships with those who truly matter in your life.

Forgiveness can happen in a split second. It’s a decision. Just give up the burden. Bam…it’s gone!

Here’s specifically a process to forgive someone. Use it if you like.

1. Call, write, or meet the person and tell them that you’ve forgiven them.
2. Tell them that you no longer hold whatever it was against them.
3. Congratulate yourself for making the decision to live without harboring grudges anymore.

OR…if you don’t want to personally contact the person. You can forgive them in your mind for the same effect.

1. Close your eyes and relax comfortably.
2. Picture that person in your mind.
3. Get close to that person and speak to them, telling them that you forgive them.
4. Give them a hug and send them on your way.
5. Congratulate yourself for making the decision to live without harboring grudges anymore.

There you have it!  Total forgiveness. You’ve mastered the concepts just by reading them. Now put them into action to witness the true magic in your own life.

What if, you start feeling bad about the person again?

What if the hurting memories of what she/he/they did to you still hunt you?

It’s okay. Take your time. Take a deep breath. Calm down. Then, you may repeat the process above. Cognitive process doesn’t always get successful result right away, it may take many, many, many hours to get practice over and over again.

It’s okay. Smile. Relax. Time is yours, and so is your life.

Why marry???

GOOD REASON TO MARRY

Because you’re in love. Although love shouldn’t be the only reason to marry, it’s an important ingredient in the most successful relationships.

To make a commitment. You’ve decided that you want to be together forever, knowing each other’s faults and failings.

It’s part of your culture. The ceremony of marriage is an integral part of your cultural or religious beliefs and an essential part of your core value system.

To start a family. You’ve both enjoyed a secure and committed relationship for some time and feel marriage is the best environment in which to bring up children.

To celebrate. Because you want your family and friends to share with you in your happiness and commitment as a couple.

It’s the right time. You have a solid and secure relationship and it feels like the logical next step.

BAD REASON TO MARRY

To make your relationship secure. If your relationship isn’t secure before you marry, there’s no reason to think it will be afterwards. It may be harder for you to separate after marriage, but that doesn’t mean you’ll be happy.

Fear of being alone. Some people marry because they’re scared that no one else will have them. Remember, it’s better to be left on the shelf than spend your whole life in the wrong cupboard.

For the children. It’s true that, on the whole, children benefit from living with two parents, but marrying purely for your child is unlikely to create a happy home environment.

You want a big wedding. The big white wedding may seem like a fairy tale come true, but it only lasts a day. Marriage is (supposed to be) for life.

To recover from divorce. Some people want a second marriage to help them to get over the first – to prove that they’re OK. But those feelings must come from within.

You may have many more reasons why you want to marry. The most important thing is that you and your partner have fully discussed your reasons and that you’re both confident you share the same motivation and intentions.

~~Fears and expectations~~

As well as looking at your reasons for getting married it’s important to look at what you expect from married life. Some people blame current divorce rates on the fact that people expect too much from marriage, but this isn’t necessarily the case.

As long as you both share the same expectations, you can work together to achieve them. But if you both expect different things, one of you will always be disappointed.

Your expectations and fears may be influenced by many things, including experiences of friends, previous relationships and media images. But one of the most powerful influences will be your family.

As small children we learn about relationships by watching our parents. These messages often sink deep into our unconscious mind, waiting to pop up when we become wives or husbands ourselves.

It’s perfectly natural to have doubts and fears about getting married – it’s one of the biggest decisions we make in our lives. But as long as you and your partner can openly share your feelings, support and reassure each other, chances are you’re on the right track.

 

Self Actualization

Judul sebenarnya adalah memanfaatkan waktu luang…

Pengen bikin sesuatu…

Akhirnya setelah lebih dari 5 tahun tidak “menyentuh” mesin jahit…alhamdulillah masih bisa berkarya 🙂

Dengan sedikit perubahan dari desain awal, inilah hasilnya…

Ini two pieces dress…

Dalemannya dari bahan satin, dengan dress luaran berdesain ala busana tradisional Korea –dengan improvisasi sihh… 🙂 Yaitu di bagian pita-pita gede itu…

Kalau melihat riwayat 5 tahun nggak bikin baju, ternyata kemampuan saya masih lumayan… masih bisa rapih 🙂 tapi memang bikinnya luaaaamaaa banget, berminggu-minggu. Maklum lah, saya kan harus bagi waktu dengan Kiddo. He gets 75% of my time, exclusively…

Secara garis besar, I’m still proud of my self 🙂

Self actualization succeed!

FORGIVING is a must?

Apakah memaafkan itu adalah suatu keharusan?

Hmm… trending topic beberapa hari selama sepekan terakhir adalah tentang Lebaran dan hal yang terkait dengan Lebaran salah satunya adalah kegiatan maaf-memaafkan 🙂

Tapi, sebenarnya, inti dari berlebaran itu bukan pada kegiatan maaf-memaafkan, melainkan lebih pada kegiatan silaturahmi dan anjangsana ke kerabat dan famili –walaupun memang, kita selalu mengatakan pada semua orang yang kita temui: “Mohon maaf lahir batin yaa…”

“Memaafkan” merupakan suatu proses psikologis dalam diri individu terkait dengan peristiwa tidak menyenangkan yang pernah dialaminya, dapat berupa proses aktif (memaafkan orang lain/hal di luar diri) atau proses pasif (memaafkan diri sendiri). Jika terkait dengan proses psikologis dalam diri (inner process), tentunya hal ini tidak mudah.

Dalam paradigma psikopatologis aliran Psikoanalisa, peristiwa tidak menyenangkan dalam hidup manusia dapat menjadi penyebab munculnya gangguan kejiwaan, jika tidak diatasi atau diselesaikan. Istilahnya, masalah tersebut menjadi unfinished business (masalah yang tidak selesai), biasanya akan muncul kembali dalam bentuk mimpi buruk, perasaan tertekan/tidak nyaman, depresi, kondisi sulit tidur atau insomnia, dan lain-lain. Begitu dalamnya kesan menyakitkan dari pengalaman tidak menyenangkan tersebut sehingga hal tersebut terekam dalam memori sebagai traumatic event (peristiwa traumatik).

“Memaafkan” adalah salah satu cara untuk bebas dari beban trauma masa lalu.

Mengapa demikian? karena “Memaafkan” adalah jembatan utama untuk proses penting lainnya dalam diri, yaitu “Menerima”. Menerima bahwa peristiwa traumatik itu benar-benar terjadi dan tidak dapat dihindari atau diperbaiki, menerima bahwa ingatan menyakitkan tidak dapat dihapus, menerima bahwa hidup kita harus tetap berjalan dengan baik dan sehat di masa depan.

Setahun lalu saya memimpin sebuah kelompok kecil terapi dengan topik pemaafan pasca-perceraian, pesertanya adalah perempuan-perempuan yang pernah mengalami KDRT dan pada akhirnya memilih untuk berpisah/bercerai. Saya mendapat banyak pelajaran dari kelompok tersebut, karena memang sebenarnya saya pribadi juga memiliki traumatic event yang sama dengan mereka: perselingkuhan dan rasa sakit yang membuat saya terjebak dalam masa lalu dan sulit untuk memaafkan diri saya sendiri serta orang yang telah menyakiti saya.

For God sake, itu sangat nggak sehat!

Meskipun saya tahu itu tidak sehat bagi kondisi kejiwaan saya, tidak mudah bagi saya untuk benar-benar melepaskan diri. Terutama jika muncul tekanan dari “tokoh antagonis” yang setiap kali setelah melakukan kesalahan berkata, “AKu kan sudah minta maaf, berarti masalahnya sudah selesai kan? TIdak perlu diungkit lagi.”

Saya bertanya-tanya dalam hati, apakah memaafkan itu suatu keharusan?

Ya. Saya menjawab seperti itu pada saat anggota kelompok terapi bertanya pada saya tentang hal itu. Saya berkata, itu keharusan bukan untuk orang lain, apa lagi untuk orang yang telah menyakiti kita, tetapi KEHARUSAN BAGI DIRI KIRA SENDIRI AGAR KITA TERBEBAS DARI BELENGGU RASA SAKIT HATI”

Saya akui, saya sulit untuk memaafkan..dan saya tidak mau merasa bersalah karena hal itu. Saya akui, saya (masih) sakit hati.

Inti dari pernyataan diatas adalah sikap terbuka dan menerima, memaafkan diri sendiri, bersabat dengan diri sendiri… apapun yang sedang dirasakan saat ini, kita harus berani mengakui.

hahahaha, saya ini nulis apa sih? Sepertinya tidak sistematis yaa..maklum, curcol, begitu 🙂